


Pain (cross-posted on Wattpad)

by Mark_Beaks_Is_Best_Parrot



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anorexic Alois Trancy, Anorexic Ciel Phantomhive, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Hospitals, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Indulgent, body issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27104215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mark_Beaks_Is_Best_Parrot/pseuds/Mark_Beaks_Is_Best_Parrot
Summary: After some harsh teasing and humiliation from Sebastian and his brother, Our Ciel decides he doesn't want to be seen as the fat, spoiled Phantomhive brat anymore. But what lengths will he go to to lose the weight? (WARNING: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Mental Illness, READ THE TAGS)
Relationships: Ciel Phantomhive & Alois Trancy, Ciel Phantomhive & Phantomhive Servants, Claude Faustus & Ciel Phantomhive, Claude Faustus & Sebastian Michaelis, Real Ciel Phantomhive & Ciel Phantomhive, Sebastian Michaelis & Ciel Phantomhive
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	1. No More

The sun rose above the Phantomhive Manor. The normal sounds of chaos were heard from the manor, explosions, plates breaking, garden being destroyed, demon hound howling- the usual.

Real Ciel Phantomhive, with both his blue eyes piercing, had sighed at his younger brothers laziness, and whacked him with a pillow. "Wake up, little brother! We have a ton of work this morning!" He yelled, and climbed out of bed.

"Ugh... five more minutes..." Astre whined, pulling the blankets over his head. He always despised waking up in the morning, even when he was younger. And if they didn't have to do their work and have to go to a gala that night, his brother may have just left him there to rest. If nothing else, to simply prove in that twisted mind of his who was the truly best Earl of Phantomhive. And to get what every older sibling longs for- a break from his little brother. Sadly, though, this was not the case today.

Ciel rolled his sapphire eyes, and hit him again. "We! Have! Paper! To! Sign! Idiot!" He said, after every word, he whacked him with the pillow at full force in his little body. "Get! Up! Lazy! Brother! Of! Mine!"

"No... I refuse to succumb to the morning light." He pulled his own pillow over his face, and curled up. "Leave me to rest, dearest brother..."

"Flattery will get you no where with me, brother." He said, finally placing the pillow back on the bed, crossing his arms, and sighing at his brothers need for rest. "I swear, you are the laziest, most childish person I know."

"I'm not lazy!"

Ciel only laughed at his brothers protest, and rolled his eyes, "Yeah right."

Sebastian then came in. "Enough fussing around, you two." He said, as if he was the parent of them- which he practically was at this point. "Here, I made cake—"

Astre did not give his butler opportunity to finish. "Cake you say?!" He quickly sat up on the bed, removed the pillow and covers from his face, and began munching on the cake. "Mmm! This is very good, Sebastian." He said, eating it happily as the two other in the room laughed at the scene.

"I'm glad you like it, my lord." He said, laughing as if it was the funniest thing in the world, though he tried to hide it.

Ciel could only laugh along with his brother's butler. "Yeah, he clearly does. Clearly enjoys everything you make." He said, laughing openly at Astre.

"What? What are you two laughing at?" Asked Astre, pausing from his eating and looking towards the two.

Sebastian was the first to speak. "Well, I do not mean to come off as rude, my lord, but—"

"I do!" Ciel interrupted. "You're getting fat, Astre." Astre's eyes and mouth went wide at his brothers words. "You eat a lot and it's starting to show." He said, blunt and refusing to pull any punches with his brother, as per usual.

"What?! I am not! I- I do eat a lot of sweets, and it's because they are fantastic! But I haven't gained any weight!" Astre protested, though he went back to eating his cake.

Ciel only laughed, as Sebastian could hardly continue to suppress his chuckles at his young masters behavior. "Brother, you can not possibly be serious at the moment! I mean look at yourself, you are forming pudge as we speak! I mean, look at yourself, brother! You are a glutton." He said, gesturing to his brother, and pointing at his stomach, and the newfound roundness- as well as softness of it. "The sooner you accept this, the sooner we may remedy the situation. And you can stop bringing shame to the Phantomhive name." He said with a wide smirk.

"..." Astre looked down at his body, and didn't say another word. He felt so embarrassed- though he was grateful it was only them in the room laughing at him... did it show when he was in public? At galas? He felt so ashamed... their words reigned mockingly in his head.

"I must say, my lord, I do agree with your brother. It is most unbecoming of an Earl to be... chubby." He laughed as he said the last word. Ciel breaking into a cackling fit at Sebastian's words as well, cracking up at the youngest Phantomhive boy's misery together.

"... Just get me dressed, Sebastian." Astre said, and then left his plate to the side, and looked down at his feet. Though his belly stayed present in his peripheral vision.

Sebastian did so, grabbing the little Earl's clothes, and dressing him. Still giggling at the previous comments on the 13-year-olds weight, and occasionally poking his tummy. Ciel would comment, "You really should stop

eating sweets," or "it couldn't hurt you to be put on a diet or exercise a bit." His older brother would say. Astre only glared at his brother, but did not speak.

After being dressed and bathed, the two Earls went downstairs, his brother commenting, "I find it hard to believe you can walk with all that fat pudge weighing you down, brother. Haha, I think I can see that extra weight jiggling with every step." He had laughed, and then sat down to eat breakfast.

Astre muttered, "Please just shut up..." But nothing else as he sat in his seat, and Sebastian served himself, his brother, and the other servants breakfast. Or in Pluto's case, filled his dog bowl.

Astre timidly ate, not feeling the need to talk as he ate food. He shrunk a bit in his seat, wanting to completely disappear after hearing the words his brother had been saying, repeating over and over in his head like a nonstop record.

Meanwhile the servants were puzzled by his sudden lack of voice, but spoke nothing of it. Assuming their young master just wasn't feeling well. Then, Ciel spoke as his brother took the bread basket, and began placing some bread rolls on his plate. "My my, brother, save some rolls for the rest of us. I and your servants do have to eat too. Besides, I think their are enough rolls of fat on you already! It does take a lot to fill that ginormous stomach of yours, doesn't it?" He said with a wide smirk.

Astre stopped in the middle of grabbing another bread, and then looked to his brother. One sapphire eye met two, and then quickly placed the bread basket back, only leaving one bread on his plate. It didn't take a brainiac to note how he was staring down at his stomach. Though, it seemed no one at the table had took time to really notice. They just went on back to eating their meals. Noting that everyone was eating now, he did the same, and took a bite, and silently chewed on his meal.

The servants were shocked at Ciel's words- though, not too much. They expected this behavior from his, everyone did. He was the Real Ciel Phantomhive, and that was how he acted towards everyone- not excluding his own little brother. He acted rude towards him the MOST. They just silently hoped Astre wouldn't take his rude nature to heart.

~*~

The morning passed fast in the Phantomhive household- at least for most it did... Astre received an onslaught of insults, and the moment breakfast was finished, zoomed into his study and buried himself in paperwork. Though he knew it was only a matter of time before his brother came by and ruined his peace.. they shared the same room, and study, and practically everything since they were twins. Just Astre's luck.

His brother just wouldn't stop harming him. And it hurt. It hurt so much.

~*~

The night soon came for poor Astre Phantomhive, and they were going to the gala to mingle with the other nobles, and he certainly was not feeling up for it. He would rather just run up to his room, he sadly shared with his brother, and lock the door shut, never allow anyone to open it ever again for as long as he lived. He was feeling beaten, upset, and embarrassed just at the thought of being seen. The day was awful- it felt like the teasing never stopped, he was fat, he got it- they didn't need to drill it into his psyche... and he really was craving something good to eat. His stomach and mind needed it.

Luckily, the carriage soon arrived at the gala. The two Earls had been dressed in their fanciest formal wear. It hugged their bodies and shaped their form nicely. At least, that's what everyone saw on Ciel. On Astre, not so much.

"Ha! Look at all that fat on Astre, Sebastian." He said, pointing at the rolls of fat highlighted on Astre and exposed plentifully by the outfit. While Ciel and Sebastian had never gotten along, not even for a moment, and absolutely hated each other- this seemed to be a bonding experience for them both. Making fun of Astre and making him feel like crap.

"Oh, I know." Sebastian said with a sly smirk on his demon face. "I was tempted to change you both the moment I noticed not even the finest of clothing could hide how fat my young master has gotten." He said with a laugh.

Both him and Ciel were walking towards the entrance to the gala, and still chatting. They handed the guards their tickets, and were permitted to enter inside. Astre quacking behind them, he hid his face bashfully behind his dark blue hair the moment they entered the ballroom. He tensed and held himself in a rigid, unmoving position, except for the moving of his legs to keep up with his butler and brother.

"Why did you allow him to get so huge, Sebastian?" Ciel commented to the butler.

"Oh, I tried my best not to, but it was of no use, he just loves his sweets to much." Sebastian said, sounding as though Astre's love for sweets was some horrid crime. "If I did not give them to him, he would have taken them himself." His voice was one of severe dramatization.

"Haha, I have no doubt. He's such a fatass. Seems eating sweets to him is more important than protecting our families legacy." Ciel chuckled a bit, as Astre hung his head in shame.

He thought this conversation would go on forever, until- "CIEEELLLLLLL! ASTREEEE!" Lizzy appeared, along with her parents. Oh this night has just gotten 10x worse.

Lizzy ran to the twins, pulling them into tight hugs and spinning the two younger boys around. "Oh I am soooo happy to see you two! It feels like we haven't seen each other in sooo long! I know a lot has happened, and it's sad to say we are not engaged anymore, but we are still friends and cousins!" She said, still as cherry and excitable as always, dear Lizzy.

"Hehe, oh, yes, it is always a pleasure to see you, dear Elizabeth." Ciel said, smiling to his cousin.

"Yes, absolutely splendid as is seeing you here, Lizzy. It was getting quite dull around here, though I am now overjoyed with your newfound company." Astre added, words mature and extra as him and his brother always had to one-up each other. It was a rule siblings must follow. "How have you been?" He asked.

"Wonderful, wonderful." Another voice said. Oh shit- the twins' aunt. "And how might you have been, dear boys?" She said, her usual expression on.

"Oh, I have been quite well, dear aunt." Ciel said, and then looked to his brother, who was about to say a similar answer expect using fancier, lengthier words to make it sound smarter. It's what they do- sort of an odd sibling rivalry, but a sibling rivalry nonetheless. "Oh, Auntie, have you seen my dearest brother physique? He has let himself go quite some." Ciel said, and gestured to his brother, whose face turned beet red.

"I- I should go- excuse me-" He tried to escape, but Sebastian stopped him.

"Nonsense, Young Master, they deserve to see their dear sweet nephew. Who has had a few too many sweets as of late." He said with his regular, demon smile. Astre knew he had no choice but to stay and suffer the humiliation. As he turned around the face his relatives, he noted that his uncle had recently arrived, as well as his other cousin.

... Fuck...

Everyone gasped the moment they took a good, long look at Astre. He was FAT! Francis nearly fainted and Edward burst out laughing, as did Ciel- the little shitheads... not a second went by in that moment that Astre didn't just wish he could run off somewhere and cry alone. "Great Scott you are right! He has put on quite of few pounds!" Francis called out, attracting everyone's attention to the group.

Comments sprang up from around the room, seemingly everyone in the higher ups now knew about the youngest, Phantomhive Earl, being a chubby fatass. The only one who didn't speak was Elizabeth, but the look on her face read of shame.

What was supposed to be a little reunion, friendly meet-and-greet for all the higher ups in London, now turned into an attack on Astre's weight. Everywhere the young child turned it seemed they were talking of him.

"My goodness imagine the earl Phantomhive being pudgy!" Exclaimed one woman. "Not fitting for one whom had inherited the family title."

"Hmph! Eating all those sweets can do that to you! Disgraceful!" Scoffed another.

"Poor girl, having to marry a chubby cyclops!" Said another woman, and then another spoke to her,

"Did you not here, the engagement is broken! Sweet girl dodged a bullet right there! Being married to such a horrendous piggy could ruin her family!" He said.

Astre couldn't take it, he didn't want to be here the moment he got the invitation weeks ago, and now he knew WHY his brother had insisted on coming! To pick on him and make fun! He pushed Sebastian out of the way, roughly, and ran out the room, running to the garden as he sat behind the water fountain, and curled up tightly into a ball. He couldn't take being in that place anymore- he felt as though he could not breathe! His breath hitched and he could feel his asthma was coming back- he was about to have an asthma attack again. He slowed down, relaxing a bit as he breathed calming, steady breaths. In and out, in and out, trying to get his breathing under control... Astre needed to get his breathing under control... just needed to forget about how much of a lazy fatass everyone said he was, and how much Astre wanted to break down and just cry and cry until all the pain went away. Until he couldn't feel all the fat weight on his belly, or the tightness of the clothes constricting him.

"Young master, you should not just leave like that, it is unbecoming of a Phantomhive." Sebastian said, and handed Astre his inhaler to get his breathing back to normal.

Astre's eyes went wide- even though his purple one where the contract was could not be seen -and he quickly used his inhaler, steadying his nerves and evening out his breathing. "... I want to go home." Astre demanded the moment he was able to, looking Sebastian straight in the eyes and glaring deathly at his butler.

"But, Young Master, the party has barely begun, and your brother-"

Astre did not want to hear of his traitorous, rude, heartless brother. That conniving brute has crossed line. Petty competition was one thing, but pointing out your brothers weight gain in front of everybody important was completely different! "Take me home. Now Sebastian that is an order!" He declared, gritting his teeth an piecing ocean eyes looking straight at Sebastian. Sebastian knew easily when to not mess with his young master. This was one of those times.

Despite how weak and scared the child looked in that moment- with his knees pulled halfway to his chest and one arm wrapped halfway around his knees, and the other resting on his knees with his inhaler in its grasp— Sebastian could tell there was power behind his words. The fury and absolute hatred in his tone. A power he did not want used to its full extent until that soul was his.

"Very well, young master. Let us go." He said, and picked up to small child, he was about to make a joke about his masters weight, but decided against it considering everyone at the gala was already doing his job for him.

"Hey! Brother!" Speaking of people making fun of Astre's weight, Ciel joined the two as they walked back to the carriage. "You are a star in that party, you should come back! Everyone is ever-so-concerned for you, dear brother." He said with a fake pouty expression on his face. Astre only curled further into Sebastian's chest.

Sebastian turned to Ciel as they all continued walking- well, Astre was carried. "The young master is not feeling well, we are taking him home." Sebastian said in his normal, authoritative yet stoic tone.

"Aww, but we were having such fun, and it would leave a horrendous impression on the Phantomhive name to leave early." Ciel said, looking to his little brother. "Though, I suppose Astre has already done that with his giant belly hanging over hi waistband, pouring how his sides, and chubby thighs touching like the... what was it, again? Fat cyclops? Truly brother you are famous in there! Though, not the good kind. The fat, ugly, unattractive kind." His eyebrows furrowed and lips curled into a mischievous glare. Sapphires shining in the moonlight, framing his face into the wickedness of his soul.

Astre did not dare look at his brother, he already knew that look. He wore it the day he reappeared in his life. And dared to take everything he had ever worked for away from him. "Then you stay." He stated. "You obviously are better at this than I, so you stay. I wish to go home. I nearly had an asthma attack, I can not stay here."

The asthma attack part threw Ciel off a bit, but then he simply reasoned his brother was exaggerating to get out of being called fat. "Well, very well, but honestly the least you could do is walk. You could certainly do with the exercise." He stated, and watched as Astre curled up further.

Ciel smirked. He knew just how to get to his brother now. And he certainly was going to take advantage of it.

~*~

The moment they arrived at the manor, Astre stormed up to his room, and sat by his window, and sobbed. Crying and hiding in the moonlight- with the door locked so his brother could never get in. This had to be one of the worst days of his life... it felt like the end of his career as the head of the Phantomhive Household.

He was the laughing stock of a party, and a fatass PIG! How was he supposed to come back from that?! His own brother and butler- the closets people to him- even told him that. It had to be true... and when looked at his reflection, at his slight double chin, and chubby hands, he knew it was.

"... Maybe it's time you do something about it?" A voice spoke to Astre that day. "Aren't you tired of having your pride crushed by mere pawns like them? How about you finally do something about it?" Astre smiled, he liked this voice.

"But what do I do? I love sweets...."

"What do you love more? Sweets, or your pride? Your revenge? Your dignity? Your appearance in front of those snot-nosed nobles who think of you as some foolish little kid? Proving yourself to everyone around you, that you are not some little piglet to be kicked around and stepped on. To be called mean names as though you have no worth... you are a Phantomhive. And Phantomhive's are thin, and perfect." The voice said, and Ciel nodded.

"What do I have to do?"

"Right now, you are looking like a mess. A fat, ugly, hideous mess, but with my help, you can be pretty and perfect Astre Phantomhive again. Get some books from the library on weight loss, and follow them. You already know a few things, diet and exercise. Running MANY laps and not eating ANY fattening foods is a start..." The voice spoke, and all Astre did was nod.

"I will do it, I will be thin again... I will prove them all wrong."

~*~ current weight: 149lbs ~*~

The next morning, Astre stated he was sick and not feeling well enough to eat. Ciel and Sebastian shrugged it off, and then allowed him to not eat. Sebastian said he would dress them, and then make Astre some soup.

"Ha, the fatass could stand to lose a couple of pounds." Ciel had said, laughing before he left the room to do some work.

Astre smiled once he was alone, only taking two sips of the soup, before throwing the rest away. Though he told everyone he ate and was feeling better to go outside.

The rest of the day was filled with rigorous exercise, concerning the servants of the Phantomhive Manor- all except Sebastian, who Astre made sure to keep busy when exercising. He didn't need the demon getting suspicious, or making fun of him.

Astre also skipped meals, by the end of the day all he had in his stomach was an apple, a little bit of tea, and milk with a drop of honey. He felt proud of himself. The diet combined with running laps around the manor and exercise, would be sure to make him lose all the weight in no time! And he would be able to shove it in Sebastian and Ciel's face!

The youngest Earl spent two weeks straight doing this, and he had lost about 20lbs. It was amazing! He was looking like his old self again! He just needed to lose a few more... nothing wrong with that, right?...

He could stand to go a little while longer, and no one would be the wiser. What Astre didn't know, though, was that during those weeks Ciel had seen him throw out his meals, running an insane amount, and he knew instantly what his little brother was doing. Though... it wasn't like he cared for the little nuisance, right?


	2. Friends or Brothers?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astre’s mental state has only gotten worse. And by worse I mean A LOT WORSE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE FROM AUTHOR:
> 
> *I feel like I have to say this now, so I don't get an onslaught of harassment in the comments. I am IN NO WAY saying that Claude even has a tiny bit of romantic interest in Astre/O!Ciel. As we will see later in this book, as he doesn't see Astre as anything other than a soul/Sebastian's master/Someone to put Alois off on so he can get a damn break for once.
> 
> Now you can ship whatever you want I do not care at all. But in this specific fanfiction both Sebastian and Claude are taking on the role of Alois, Ciel, and Astre's guardians/parental approaches, rather than anything romantic. I may post a fanfic where they DO have romantic interest in Astre/O!Ciel in the future, but this one ain’t it.

A few weeks had passed since that horrible day, and his image of himself only worsened since then. He could only see fat pouring out of his sides and stomach... Astre hated his body, and hated himself for letting it get this far. How could he, the Earl of Phantomhive, Queens Guard Dog, allow this to happen to himself?! Well, it wouldn't go on any longer- Astre had lost a lot of weight in a few weeks. It wasn't easy by any means, and he certainly missed the taste of sweets and cake- but he just reminded himself that eating that was wrong, and disgraceful. He was already fat enough. It was his Earl duty to be seen as lean, thin, and bring honor to the Phantomhive name. Not to feast on sweet sugary substances. He barely ate anything most days, but managed to get an apple or some salad in his stomach. Even if it was due to the worry and concerned nagging of his servants.

The restriction of sweets and all foods making him skinnier than he had ever previously been, and the exercise toned his frame, making him look even better than he had ever before! And he loved it! Astre finally fit into the all smaller sizes in the stores! He thought if he kept this up just a little longer, he would finally look like the Earl the name of Phantomhive deserved.

"I've never seen you excited about buying clothing, my lord." Sebastian said as they walked back to the manor from a shopping trip. Astre was never into clothing or anything of the sort— but now he had the body to pull off nearly any outfit.

If he has the body, no matter what the means of getting it were, why not show it off? "Well, everyone changes at some point, do they not?" He said, as they all soon arrived back at the manor. "Besides, you did say I looked quite dashing in this, did you not?" He said with a small smile as he waited for his brother to open the door to the large manor.

Sebastian nodded, "Indeed I did, young master. And I am surprised by how much weight you have lost. You seem to be far thinner." Sebastian stated, opening the door for Astre to walk inside, as he held the bags of new clothes for his young master. He was supsicious, to say the least, but kept it to himself during the day. At night he would often tell the other servants to keep eyes on Astre for any suspicious behavior. They all reported the same thing. He was throwing away his food, or just refusing to eat any. Sebastian planned to talk to Astre about it that day after they got back from the shops, but...

The moment they walked inside, they spotted Alois and Claude inside already. Seems they have decided to have another of their "surprise visits" again.

*Claude's eyes were wide, and he looked at Astre in surprise- he looked different than when he last saw him... thinner. Actually not like an annoying little bitch. It was a relief as he always HATED these visits, not only would he get to see his arch enemy again, but, get TWO irritating brats nagging him for sweets and tea instead of just one.

Alois saw the way Claude looked at Astre- without hatred, annoyance, or anything of the sort. He had wished Claude would at least look at him with a fraction of what Astre got. "How does he do it? Why does MY butler always seem to like that one-eyed tart more than I?... Is there something wrong with me?..."

"Heyyyy~ not-Ciel!" Alois laughed, and ran over to Astre, and pulled him into a hug. He might be jealous of him for how much everyone preferred the blue-head in comparison to himself, but that didn't mean they couldn't still be friends. Besides, it wasn't like Alois had anybody in this world who would at least TOLERATE him for a fraction of the time the Phantomhive twins did. "How's my best friend doing?!!" He cheered happily, his bright smile lighting up his face. Alois was always the happiest, most excitable person in the room, no matter where they were.

Whilst they hugged, Alois couldn't help but notice how he could feel his collar bones- even if it was just a little- and his thighs were definitely smaller than his own... a flat stomach, skinny limbs, nearly boney body... "I guess now I know what's wrong with me..." Alois thought, and his face showed it no matter how much he tried to hide it. "... Is this why Claude was looking at him? He got skinny... I mean, he does look nice... am I just fat? Is that why- he's so used to looking at my fatass he is relieved to see someone different!?... I don't want Claude to see me as fat and ugly..."

Astre, meanwhile, was taken aback by the hug- jeez, it hurt- has Alois gotten stronger?! Or was it just because now there was no cushion to shield him from the bone-breaking grasp of Alois? Either way, Astre quickly tried to shove Alois away, attempting to kick and hit Alois off of him. It did not seem to work. "We are NOT friends, Trancy!" Astre said, struggling out of the other boys arms. He was certainly strong, though Astre finally managed to slip away, it took longer than usual. "Anyway, why are you here?! Oh no- another of your 'surprise visits' correct?" Astre said with a groan, and Alois giddily nodded.

"Yep! Correct, little Phantomhive!" Alois cheered, twirling around and tilting his head to the side. "Come now, you run a toy company you have to have something for us to play with around here!" He happily jumped around and pulled Astre towards the other study room, where Ciel was sitting and organizing papers. Alois knew every inch of the Phantomhive manor at this point, so he should have known well by bow that they did not keep games in the study. A stuffed rabbit or two, yes, but games, nope.

Alois sat on the windowsill, and dropped Astre on the opposite end. "How did you do it?!" Alois asked. Astre still rubbing his temple in both annoyance and confusion.

"Do what?" He spat out to Alois. Glaring at the Trancy boy. He rubbed his bruised wrist, annoyed with Alois' strength, but pleased at how small his wrist has gotten to this point.

"You lost a lot of weight! And I can see how Claude looks at you- how everyone in London is looking at you! I want that! Claude never pays attention to me, he's always payed attention to you because of your soul, and I know I can't change my soul, but I CAN change my body! I at least want Claude to look at me without disgust- is that too much to ask?!? How did you do it?!" Alois screamed though, it was plain to see in his eyes Alois wasn't speaking out of jealousy, he was speaking out of hurt. "I... I'm fat, and I'm ugly, I know that much... I'm not as dumb as people think I am, Phantomhive... I can tell when I am not wanted... but I want to be wanted, I want people to love me, I-" He sighed, looking down as he tried to stay strong in front of the one-eyed boy across from him, who was starstruck by the blondies words. "... I want to look like you..."

Ciel turned to the two, listening closely to the conversation.

Astre sighed, he could tell by now when Alois was faking, despite how skilled the little blond was at it. "Can you keep a secret?" He asked, when Alois nodded, he then continued. "Okay, well... Everyday, I skip breakfast. Eating less helps me lose weight. I then, before doing work, do 10 laps around the manor, then do some work, and skip lunch. I have an apple or something healthy for lunch and some tea, exercise off all the calories, and then for dinner I have something else REALLY light, and if I can't get it, I don't eat at all. I starve myself, I know it may sound rash, Trancy, but it helps to get thin. Oh, and before bed do some exercise, lots of exercise." He said, looking to Alois as he saw the boys eyes widen.

"But... I don't think your servants would like that, wouldn't they get worried? What about Sebastian? I thought he always cooks snacks and filling meals for you." Alois said, eyes wide, yet filled with interest. Clearly wanting to learn how to look better and not as ugly as he thought he looked now- despite actually being healthy for his body type. "... Aren't they all suspicious of what you do to yourself?... Or do they not care?"

Astre nodded. "I throw out all the meals when they aren't looking. Or just purge later. It's easy. At first, throwing up may sound gross, but it's actually really easy and helpful to lose weight." He said, looking at Alois like their conversation was entirely normal. Making the young blond believe it was. All the attractive people must do this, right? "Here, I will recommend some books and articles to research, alright, Trancy? If you don't want my advice, then fine, but—" Astre was cut off by the young blond pulling him into a hug.

"Thank you! I'll try! But- can you please walk me through it at dinner? We are staying for dinner and I've never done anything like this before..." Alois said, a genuine want to be like Astre Phantomhive- loved, cared for, sought after, and never abandoned -showing on his face, eyes looking into Astre's with a pleading expression.

Astre sighed. "If you are staying for dinner, then I might as well teach you some tricks." Alois cheered happily, and only hugged Astre tighter. "Ah- you're hurting me— TRANCY!"

~*~

That night at dinner, the three boys were left alone as the servants had been told to dine separately by Alois- and NO ONE was willing to get slapped that day.

After they left and the kids were certain they were out of earshot, Alois whispered to Astre, "So, how do we do this exactly? Our butlers are demons, remember? And I don't know what breed of idiot my other servants are, not to mention that dog-" Astre cut him off, not feeling like hearing about the rainbow of demonic staff members the children just happened to be having at their disposal.

Astre turned to Alois, and placed a hand on the other boys shoulder. "Calm yourself, Trancy. You are overthinking this far too much." He said, and then picked up his plate, and threw its contents outside the window and into a bush. "The rodents will eat it all up, and no one will suspect a thing. Now, I'll grab some salad ingredients from the kitchen, and make myself something with less fat in it."

Alois nodded. "Wow, you're really smart on this. How long have you been-" Alois was about to ask another question, but then turned to Ciel, who was closely watching the conversation, and the 14-year-olds eyes went wide like a deer in headlights. "Not-Ciel!! Not-Ciel!! Y- your brother!-"

"I know, I know.... but he supports me on this. I have to lose the weight one way or another. I'm NOT going to destroy our families legacy just because I'm a fatass..." He trailed off, looking- no, glaring off to the side for a while, and then sighed. "Anyway, do as you will. I need to make myself a salad." Astre walked off into the kitchen, and began making himself a make-shift salad. It was anything fancy, just lettuce, cucumbers and carrots cut up into a plate that was supposed to hold his real dinner. But that was the point. Something small so his stomach wouldn't growl much and tip off anyone, but also within his 600 calorie limit.

Alois nodded, looking at him as if he were some kind of magical god with all the answers. "Ooh, okay!" He nodded, with a smile. And then proceeded to do exactly what Astre did, and followed him into the kitchen. Though, he didn't eat any food.

Once the two were out of sight, Ciel just sighed, taking a bite of his dinner. "Oh, little brother... I hope you are prepared for what you just caused."


	3. My Demons PT 1

"I'm fine, leave me alone!" Astre screamed as he slammed the door in his butlers face. Locking it and sitting on the edge of the bed. He sighed, hearing his stomach growl and gurgle. He knew he needed food, but he had already reached his 400 calorie limit of the day, so, what was he supposed to do?

"Blasted demon..." Just as he said that, he heard the voices or Mey-Rin, Finnian, Tanaka, and even Bard now outside his door begging him to eat. "...and those dumb servants too, they are always getting in my way! Trying to destroy my hard work, just so they could pick on me!" He said, though, deep down he knew that was not the case... the servants would never pick on him or tease him, and Sebastian begging him to eat was just out of genuine worry for him.

"... I just... can't go through that again..." He curled up on the door, malnourished frame leaning against the wall, and cried. Cried at the memories, at the innocent kid he was killing, and all the people who loved him whose hearts he was breaking by continuing to do this to himself. Their words- both calling him a fatass, and telling him he needs to eat -ringing in his head like some sick mantra.

What was he going to do?

  
_4 months ago_

Astre had just finished his 10th lap around the manor, Mey-Rin, Bard, and Finny watched in concern. They quickly ran to their master when they saw him stop and double over and start breathing heavily. Bard handed him his inhaler, Mey-Rin wiped his forehead, and Finny gently rubbed his back. Astre pushed the button on his inhaler, and started slowly breathing in and out into it, calming down enough for him to breathe. "Th- thanks..." Astre said, haphazardly, once his breathing got under control.

"Uhh... young master... could you possibly slow down a little?" Mey-Rin said, face clearly reading concern for the 13-year-old child.

Astre shock his head. "Apologies, but no. Slowing down is for fat people, and I will not be that. So if you three will excuse me, I will be running another two laps." He said, and then ran off before the trio could speak another word.

Finny sighed, and looked off to the side. None of them could truly believe what the master was doing to himself. Really, none of them wanted to.

He looked to Bard, then to Mey-Rin, then back to Bard, and then to Pluto and Snake who had just walked in on the scene, but already had the same look on their faces that everyone else had. Concern. "... I will go get more rags, says Oscar..." Snake said before walking off to go get more things, knowing better than to try and get Astre to stop, he knew it was pointless. Pluto was chasing after Astre, barking and sad eyes telling him to stop before he kills himself. Astre wouldn't listen. He wouldn't listen to anyone.

Bard was the first one to sigh, and begin walking to where they already knew the master was going to stop and beg for his breath. It has happened for over a month now. "... Why is the young master doing this to himself?" Asked Finny that day. He asked it nearly every day. And every day, one of his coworkers, Sebastian, and at one point Pluto, gave him to same answer.

"He is Astre Phantomhive, our master... you know quite well that once he puts his mind to something... ain't nobody can knock him out of it... we just have to be here for him when he finally crashes... and hope he doesn't burn himself along the way..."

—

"Young master, you have barely eaten a thing. Do you not like your supper?" Sebastian had asked one lonely night as he observed his young master. Finnian and the others had told him they were suspecting the young master had this thing they called 'anorexia nervosa' or possibly 'bulimia' and Astre had become a victim of the terrible eating disorders.

"No, it is not that, Sebastian." Astre said, clearly ticked off by his butlers constant spying. "It's just, I would prefer to be alone when I eat, you know that. Can you please stand and be a stalker somewhere else?" Astre said with annoyance dripping from his tone.

Sebastian shock his head, "Apologies, young master, but I can not. All the dishes are done, and there is nothing left for me to do." Sebastian stated with his demonic smirk.

Astre rolled his eyes. "Ugh, fine..." He said, and then proceeded to eat his dinner. He knew more than a couple of ways to lose his lunch.

After about half an hour, he was finished, "There! Now may I please be excused?" He stated, and then his butler nodded. He walked up to his study, and shut the door. He had waited about ten minutes until his was sure his butler was no longer anywhere near, and then left the room, to erase all his dinner in one of the bathrooms. The bluenette had heard of people sticking fingers down their throat to throw up, and he had done this a few times before to rid his servants suspicion. He hated it, and always had to vigorously wash his mouth to stop smelling like shit, but it was worth it to keep the pounds off.

At least, that's what he told himself.

_ one month later _

Astre sighed as he had just gotten done with a meeting. The investors were annoying and clearly despised him, but hey, he needed their money.

"Sebastian, get this suit fixed! It's too big for me!" He had called out to his butler as soon as they left.

Sebastian let out an annoyed sigh, and walked towards his master. "Yes, yes, coming young master." He said, taking off his apron and gloves as he had been cleaning the dishes before Astre had called him. He walked over, and began to take off the little ones jacket, and overcoat, when he noticed how baggy his button-up shirt was. "Young master, I just had this tailored for you 2 months ago, how can it be so big on you now?"

Astre rolled his eyes. "Can't you tell? I lost weight." He thought his butler was just exaggerating. How big could it be?

Sebastian sighed. "Alright, my lord." He said, and began to unbutton it, his took the shirt off, and was about to button-up his new one, when he saw, "... My lord... why can I see your bones?" His red eyes were wide as he could literally count the childs bones, and his stomach caved inward, as now he had noticed just how boney his facial structure had gotten as well as legs. "... They were right... how long have you been doing this to yourself?" He asked with a shaky, worried tone.

Astre's eyes went wide, he looked down at himself, and now saw how boney he truly had gotten for the first time... "... I have to go-" He tried to run away or escape his butlers grasp, but the demon had caught onto him every time, forcing him to sit on his bed and explain himself. "Stop it! Stop it! Release me!! That is an order!! SEBASTIAN!" He screamed, squirming and struggling in his butlers hold.

Sebastian held both his thin arms down. "Master. You will not be going anywhere until you explain yourself. You have been starving yourself, and I wish to just know- why? Why would you kill yourself this way?..." Sebastian asked, looking into his masters one visible eye.

Astre finally calmed down, realizing he wasn't getting out of this confrontation, so he simply huffed and decided to be difficult. Astre looked down at the floor, turned away from Sebastian. "Why don't you ask yourself? You said I was fat, that I needed a diet, that I was overweight- you and brother were making fat jokes about me and laughing while I was hurting! In front of everybody! You humiliated me, Sebastian!" He screamed, looking up at the demon. "And now you want to ask me WHY I am starving myself?!" He said, his eyes wide and brimming with tears threatening to flow.

Astre ripped off the eyepatch, revealing the contract symbol on his eye. "This is an order; GET OUT OF MY BLOODY ROOM!"

Sebastian stood there, shocked for a moment, before nodding his lowered head and walking off. "Yes, my lord." Is all he said before closing the door behind him.

_one month later_

It took a long time before Astre and his demon could speak to each other again. Astre had curled up on his bed for at least an hour out of sheer humiliation at the memories. And Sebastian had bowed his head in shame at them as well, standing outside of Astre's room as he felt nothing but guilt at what he had done, and allowed Ciel to do, and allowed Astre to do to himself for three months.

The small boy was suffering and it was all his fault.

He's the demon, he should know so much better.

But, sadly he didn't, and no matter how much he tried Astre was always one step ahead of him. For weighing, Astre put some rocks and coins in his pockets to make himself weigh heavier than he truly did. For body, he just told his brother to dress him rather than Sebastian doing it. And for eating, he just continued to purge after every meal. Simple!

He did remember to still eat 400 calories limit. Even if it made him still have some extra weight, he was smart enough to know the side-effects of not eating for an extended period of time. His hair would lose it's volume and become dull, and possibly fall out in clumps. His skin would become pale and blotchy, he would always feel cold-- and so on, and so on. And it would be extra difficult to hide the weight loss then too.

Everything seemed to be going according to plan for Astre- until...

"Y- young master! Young master!" Finnian ran to Astre. "Young Master! It's an emergency!!" He burst through the door, which was rare, he only ever did it if there were dire circumstances involved, which both twins assumed was the case.

"Yes, Finny?" Astre said, confused as to why Finny was running into his study at such a time. It was almost lunch time at the Phantomhive Manor. His brother also looked up from his paperwork- another rare event at the House of Phantomhive.

"It's Master Alois! He's in the hospital!!

"WHAT?!" Astre stood up from his seat, eyes wide with shock and horror- as if he had just seen a ghost of an old friend. Ciel, though, who was in the seat right beside his, only shrugged, and muttered something he could not hear. Though it sounded eerily like, 'I knew it...'

Finny nodded, "I know, that's what the others said, and even more when we heard the reason..." The last part from the concerned young boy was mumbled, in a sad, solemn tone, barely audible.

Astre paused for a moment, frozen still, not certain if he wanted to know such a dreaded thing. "... What is the reason, Finny?" He eventually said, though he thought he already knew.

"... He fainted, and the doctors diagnosed him with Anorexia. He's sickly thin- I mean, I noticed he lost a lot of weight in his last visit, but... no one thought much of it... it turns out he's been starving himself, master." He then paused again. "Mr. Claude wants us all over there right away. He wishes to speak with you, Master. Says it is urgent."


	4. My Demons PT 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if some things are inaccurate, but I can research for hours on end about Anorexia, but not 2 minutes on hospitals in the Victorian Era... cause laziness.

Astre ran into the hospital building, rushing to the front desk and looking up at the nurse writing- or rather scribbling -things down on a piece of paper. Not even looking up at the thin little blue boy looking up at her. "Hey! Lady! Where is the room of Alois Trancy?!" Ciel, his twin brother with no patience at all, yelled, standing on his tip-toes to try and look at her in the eyes.

The lady looked down at the twins, and rolled her eyes. "Sorry kid, but maybe you can get mommy or daddy to fill some forms out for you. I'm on my break, and you are not getting in without-"

Sebastian cut her off. "Apologies, miss, but we're with the house of Phantomhive." Everyone soon appeared, Finny about to break into tears, Mey-Rin with her glasses on top of her head, Bard with his flamethrower, Pluto in his human form, and Tanaka in his old man form, Snake with all his snakes wrapped around him and gazing straight at the women in the desk, and Ciel with his signature smirk but eyes sharper than the daggers in his coat. All looked ready to commit murder if they couldn't see Alois immediately. "We would simply like to see the Earl Alois Trancy. Now if you would be kind enough to point us to his room number, we will be on our way."

The lady paused for a moment, and then handed them a clipboard with at least twenty papers on it, and a pen. "Fill that out and I'll get back to you."

"All of this?! Well that may take us all afternoon?!" Ciel said, snarling at the woman.

"Yeah, maybe." The woman responded, continuing to work on her crossword puzzle.

Finny burst into tears, "But we have to see Alois now! He could be cold, and scared! Mr. Claude said it was urgent!"

"Yeah, maybe."

Astre glared at the woman. "Are those the only words you can say?" He grunted.

"Yeah, maybe."

Defeated, the group sat down in the spare seats, a few having to lean against to wall for some support during this situation.

"Oh, I do hope Master Alois is okay... why would he do something like this?" Mey-Rin said in her panicked state. Sebastian was sitting beside Astre- who was seated by his brother at the start of the group- and Tanaka. Sebastian and Tanaka were being responsible adults and filling out the paperwork they had to. Except on the question of 'how many people are you with' where they answered 'a bunch of idiots and a dog who is also dumb'.

"I don't know, probably some teasing or some shit? Never really knew the kid well myself, but it breaks my heart to hear of him hurting..." Bard replied. Pluto barked in agreement with his statement.

Pluto was at the end of the line, beside Bard, as Bard stood beside Mey-Rin, and Mey-Rin stood beside Finny who was sitting beside Tanaka, and Snake who was petting his snakes.

"What do you mean you didn't know him?! We all knew him!" Finny exclaimed. "He was excited, lively, always filled with energy! He would surprise us with visits nearly every week! We all knew him!! He would annoy the young master, and force him to play in garden and run around with Pluto, trip Mey-Rin whenever she was carrying expensive china, but never allow her to take the fall for his actions, cook with Bard and set the kitchen on fire Every. Single. Time! He was fun to be around a lot of the time, and one way or another, he was our friend!! ...I was wondering why, for the past month, he hadn't come over... and for the three previous months he has been losing so much weight... but I kept my suspicions to myself and look what happened!" Finny yelled to his companions through his tears. He put his hands over his teary face, and began sobbing into his arms. Pluto walked closer to him and nuzzled him closely, showing the boy some kind of comfort through all of the difficulties. Finny quickly wrapped his arms around the dog, and hugged him close, sobbing and breaking apart as it hurt him to think of the state someone dear to him was in.

"... He's right... we did know him quite well, yes we did..." Mey-Rin said, holding her hands close, and feeling tears pool in her eyes. "... I feel so horrible... how could this happen?..."

Soon, even Bard broke into tears, taking back the words he said as the whole group began crying. It wasn't until Snake spoke that the not-so-silent sobs finally broke. "Maybe it was not his own doing, or some cruel child. Maybe it was someone with similar problems as him who taught him all these things, and Alois simply went too far... Says Emily." Everyone paused, silent, at Snakes- or, Emily's words. And Astre seemed to be like a deer in headlights.

Before anyone could speak or add on in any way, Claude came in through the door. "There you are, Michaelis. I have been waiting far too long, lets go." Claude said, and turned to the lady at the counter. "It's alright, ma'am, they are with me." He said, and the lady simply shrugged and continued playing crossword puzzles.

Claude opened the door, and everyone followed him in, shutting the door behind the group. Claude looked at Astre with a 'I know what you did and I'm not mad just disappointed' kind of face. The one a mother would give to a disobedient child. And in that moment, Astre knew he completely deserved it.

As they all walked, they finally arrived at room 13, where Alois was being kept. "He is stable, but very ill, and I have no knowledge of how this could have accrued." Claude stated, but both the twins knew he had already spoken to Alois and knew Astre was telling him the 'advice'. Astre could not think of why he ever would lie about all this though-

He then opened the door to the room, Astre looked upon one of the most heartbreaking sights he has ever seen- and he has seen some shit as the Queen's Watchdog, and even before that happened... he has seen people do terrible things to those he loved, but nothing like this.

The butlers were all talking, but he could not hear.

Everyone was crying, but he did not hear.

He could just see. He saw Alois laying on a hospital bed, the room dark and gloomy, matching the glazed look in his pale turquoise eyes. He had tubes pumping vitamins and nutrients in his veins, and bandages covering his wrist. He was bed-bound and could only stare outside a window that had been covered by curtains. Everything Astre did not want to happen to himself had happened to Alois. And Alois did not deserve any of it. He was bone thin, far thinner than Astre was, and his hair was frail and dull, matching his sickly pale and blotchy skin. He looked like glass, brittle glass. Astre was scared to even move close to the other boy. Fearful he might break him even further if he took another step.

Though, everyone was around him. Hannah sat at a chair crying, the triplets around her, as Finny, Bard, Pluto, Tanaka and Mey-Rin all circled around Alois asking questions and talking to the boy who seemed so weak and out of it he didn't hear nor understand a word. Snake was off to the side, watching the scene and occasionally speaking, as Claude and Sebastian spoke to each other in a far corner. Seeming to put their butler rivalry aside for Alois' sake.

Ciel looked to his brother with a smirk. "Do you enjoy watching what you have caused, brother?" Ciel asked, narrowed eyes not matching his wicked smile.

Astre glared at his brother. How could he smile when Alois, someone who they saw on a nearly daily basis, was in such torment and pain?!... "Alois could have died... all because he listened to me—" His snarl was cut short by Ciel.

"Yes, you always did say you found him annoying." Ciel said, turning from his brother and looking to the sickly kid laying in bed. In that moment, Alois reminded him of his brother. In a sad, twisted kind of way.

"I would never wish for him dead, though. He is annoying, but... not now. Not like this. He did nothing to deserve such a horrible pain..." Astre said, head lowered in shame of his actions. All he could think of was the 'advice' he gave Alois, in an attempt to HELP Alois. He just wanted to do was help Alois be more confident in himself, perhaps help him impress Claude or some other guys Alois may have an interest in-... not kill him.

Ciel smirked at his brothers show of weakness. When will Astre ever learn... you don't show weakness to family, "Yes, well, you certainly did start this whole 'starving to death' thing didn't you-" He was about to make another joke... when he noticed his brother was about to cry.

"Oh, Alois... why did you listen to me, I'm such an idiot..." He said, voice breaking from how many tears he's holding in. He covered his face with his thin little hands, and face became red with how hurt and saddened he was. The tears rushed down his face, flying down to the floor to form puddles

Ciel's eyes widened. "B- brother?..." He was about to reach a hand out to his brother, but then the Trancy's demon butler interrupted.

Claude turned to the twins, and rubbed his temple. "May I speak to you outside?" He asked, looking straight at Astre.

Astre hastily wiped his tears, and nodded. "Y- yes... certainly..." He said, and walked out the door, Claude soon followed out into the pale white, cold, too-bright, too-clean hallway of the London City Hospital.

Astre leaned against the wall, and lowered my head. "Go ahead, punish me. Drink my blood, bite me, poison me to death- or whatever spiders do to get revenge for killing their master because I deserve it!" Astre said, looking down as he exposed his neck for whatever sick punishment he thought Claude had in mind.

Claude actually looked at the boy with a mixture of confusion and disgust. "Wha- what?! Ugh, human children are so weird these days... I'm not a vampire, I am a demon." He said, facepalming. "And the only reason I called you out here was NOT for whatever kinky shit you're speaking of, it is because I assumed you wouldn't want to be in the same room with your little brother when you were about to cry.... whatever your name is." Claude stated, looking sick of the Phantomhive boys' bullshit

Astre's eyes went wide, and then covered his face in embarrassment. "So you don't know about what I told Alois...?" Astre paused for a moment. "Also I'm the younger one, and my name is Astre."

Claude rolled his eyes, and pushed up his glasses. "Yeah, I know, but I truly don't care." Claude quickly shock his head. "Also, I am a demon. Of course I know about you telling Alois to starve himself to look more appealing." He said, with a complete lack of emotion in his tone, and Astre groaned in embarrassment of his actions.

"But you aren't mad I could've killed your... lunch? Master? Or whatever Alois is to you?" Astre said, looking at Claude with a puzzled expression.

Claude shrugged. "I mean... Me and your butler are going to the Bahamas for the next two weeks while the brat recovers so not really." Claude stated- at least he was honest. "Also, you and your twin will be staying with your cousin for the next two weeks, Sebastian insist your whole staff comes along too. Something about wanting your manor to stay in one piece."

Astre's eyes went completely wide in both shock and anger at his own butler making such extravagant plans without so much as consulting him. "What?!"

"Yes, exactly, now we have to find a place that allows cats AND dogs- or, whatever that demon hound of yours is..." He said. "And yes, Hannah and the triplets are coming too, unfortunately. So now we need to make room for like... 12 people? Damn, those tickets will be sooo expensive. But Alois said he doesn't mind so it's fine I suppose." Claude replied, not caring at all that Astre was upset over Alois nearly dying.

"B- but... it's MY FAULT! I don't care about the dumb trip to the Bahamas my staff is taking without my consent!" A loud, 'YAY the Bahamas!' could be heard from inside the hospital room as Sebastian announced the news. "I just... can't believe you're not upset I could have killed Alois Trancy... he might be annoying, but he's still a kid like me and my brother... I should be there, not him, he was only trying to impress you with his looks..."

Claude sighed, and turned to Astre. "Why do you even care about your appearance, Master Astre? I never would have thought you as someone who such things would matter to." He says, and Astre looks down as his feet, and baggy clothes.

"... I... I never did, truly, it's just... people started saying things, and... I suppose I simply wanted to prove them wrong. That is all. And I proved my point I suppose." He said, not meeting Claude's gaze.

It went deeper than that and the demon knew it, but he just sighed and nodded to the malnourished child. He was never good with human emotions, nor psychology, so he simply turned around to go back into the room. "Alright, well, I do hope you decide to eat normally again. I believe everyone will agree when I say you have beyond proved whatever point it is you were trying to make." He said, before walking back inside the room. Astre silently followed behind the demon butler, not in the mood to talk any further.

Claude began speaking once again to Sebastian. Now joined by all the other servants who all seemed a mixture of concerned and excited. The human servants and Hannah seemed hesitant to leave the kids all alone- but the butlers insisted it was for the best. Despite the doubtful look in Sebastian's eyes as they all talked. Astre leaned against the wall near where Alois was unconscious on the hospital bed. He looked to the scraggly, threadlike framed boy. "... I'm sorry, Trancy... I... it should be me there, not you..." He said, just wanting to leave the hospital already. This was just depressing. Astre knew what he had objectively told Alois to do to himself was wrong, but- he never meant for THIS to happen to him! Alois took it too far! Alois was a restless, energetic, happy kid! He was always hyper and smiling! This... this sad, empty, cold room with so little light seeping in through the curtains, only making Alois look sadder and paler than he already did... this did not fit the Trancy boy. Starving himself and—

"...were those cuts on his wrist?"

Astre's eyes went wide and skin paled more than is already had from the lack of nourishment. "... Alois... what did I do to you?" He could have killed his closest friend...

"Brother? Brother- what did you and that demon talk about-" His brother tried to speak to him, but Astre simply turned away and ignored him.

No, Astre couldn't stay here any longer, the moment the door opened and the doctor walked in, Astre stormed out, ignoring the sounds of his servants calling out to him and exclaiming that they should stay there. Astre just continued storming out of the hospital, eyes narrowed in hatred and fury at what he had just figured out happened to the Trancy brat. What demons he had seeped into the blondes little mind. "WE ARE LEAVING! NOW!" He yelled at the servants, before walking out the door and into the street. Hoping into the carriage, and never looking back.

~* present day *~

That had all happened just a little while ago, in fact, just about an hour ago. And Astre refused to leave his room ever since. He sat in front of the door, curled into a little blue ball, with narrowed, water-filled eyes. He had thought his dumb servants had finally left him alone, when he smelt... smoke?! From behind the door. He quickly jolted upward, and ran to the desk, turning around to see it was Pluto's fire breath that burnt down his door?! And Sebastian who walked inside where the doorway USED to be. Bard and Mey-Rin put out the fire, and stood in the hallway silently watching the scene, and the petrified look on their masters face. "Apologies for the dire methods we had to use, young master. But I knew of no other ways to reach you..."

Astre heard the words. He looked angry, but rolled his eyes simply. "Sebastian? What is it!?" He said, wiping his eyes from the sadness he had previously had. He was then tackled hugged by his idiotic staff, and dog, everyone coming in to hug him as if HE was the one in the hospital bed. Well, he should be...

"Young master, I just wanted to inform you, that..." He paused for a moment, as if trying to think of the correct words.

As Astre was trying to free himself from the grasp of his concerned servants, he exclaimed, "Just spit it out!" To his butler, and then he heard possibly the worst news in his whole life.

"We feel it would be best for you if you went with Master Trancy."

"Went where?..."

"... To a mental institution."


	5. I don’t care what you say

"But I'm fine!" Astre shouted the day he was supposed to be leaving for ᕼEᒪᒪ— uhm, I mean, the mental institution.... It was supposed to help the mentally ill, psychiatrically insane, and those with mental disorders, such as the one he and Alois Trancy were diagnosed with... Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia.

Everyone was there to see him off- except for the Trancy servants- who were with Alois Trancy in the hospital. Except for Claude, he was packing for the Bahamas. "It will be good for you, alright, brother?" Ciel said, pushing his little brother into the carriage where Tanaka would be taking them to the mental hospital. Alois was most likely already there. Now it was Astre's turn. "Listen, brother, I..." He paused for a moment, looking into his brothers single blue eye, and pale, blotchy, malnourished frame. "..." He knew this was all his fault. But could not bring himself to find the correct words to say to his dying brother.

Not one person in the either manors blamed Astre for what happened to Alois. Not Claude, not Sebastian, not Hannah, not the triplets, nobody. Everyone blamed Ciel. The ones closer to the situation- such as Finny, Bard, Mey-Rin, Tanaka, Pluto and Snake -also partially blamed Sebastian. But Ciel knew that if he hadn't started it, Sebastian wouldn't have followed. It was all Ciel's fault.

And yet, he had no clue how to fix it. Not one single idea. Everyone said to be nice, tell him to eat more, and explain to him how thin and sick he was... but Ciel knew his brother better than them. He knew this was a battle no one would win. "...Try to be good, alright, little brother?" He said with his signature smile, gaining a roll of the eyes from his little brother. _"He truly is my LITTLE brother now... weighs so much less than me... even when we hug, I feel very little of my brother, and very much bone. Bones. That's all he and the Trancy kid are now. Just a bunch of bones because of me."_ Ciel thought, and he was right.

He watched the carriage take his brother away, and couldn't help but frown, oh how much he hated what was happening- and how powerless he felt against it. Watching the two people he loved most in the living world suffer something he had never even heard about until the day his brother threw out his dinner. And when Tanaka came back, all could see the sad expression on his face.

"... Is my brother going to get better?" Ciel asked Tanaka the moment he saw that expression. Tanaka did not respond to the small child.

"Tanaka, answer me! Is brother going to be okay? And what of the Trancy kid, is he alright? Are they taking good care of him- oh, I know he is a fragile one."

No matter how much he spoke, Tanaka just looked the ground sadly.

"... I order you to speak to me!!" Ciel then shouted, losing his temper, as he pulled on Tanaka's sleeve. And it seemed everyone in the manor was also anxiously awaiting Tanaka's words. Even Sebastian's crimson eyes gazed on the elder man with impatience.

"... ... ... I do not know, my lord. I just don't know." He said, and his words made the short child freeze. It seemed the whole room went quiet, and cold, frozen by the words of the elderly man.

Sebastian began screaming, shouting that THAT was the best he could offer as an explanation for how HIS soul was fairing- though everyone in the manor knew Astre was far more than simply a soul to Sebastian. And far more than a master to all of them there. He was a friend- no, family. And soon all of the other servants began talking and talking, Pluto howled and woofed and whimpered sadly- everyone was stressed, saddened, and hurt over the youngest blue-haired boy. And all were very vocal about it.

All except Ciel Phantomhive.

"..." Ciel did not speak for a long moment, as he finally released Tanaka and looked down, and looked to the porcelain floor. Then, finally, a shadow cast over his face. "... Get out of my sight. All of you." He stated, voice barely above that of a whisper. And they all did so immediately.

Ciel ran up to his room and locked the door, slamming it behind him, and running to his & his brother shared bed. He curled up under the covers and cried. Sobbed and sobbed for hours on end. ".... I'm so sorry... please be okay... I'm so sorry I didn't know... I didn't mean to hurt anyone... I'm so sorry... you're the only family I have left, please, oh please... do not leave me alone..." He continued crying under the light of the sun until the light of the moon and stars was all that shined out through the window. He crawled off the bed, and sat on the window sill. He began speaking, even though no one could hear him. He hoped that maybe, somehow, his brother could.

"... Brother... they once said you shined like a star... please, please for the love of everything- for our family we lost and the new family we- no, YOU had made and welcomed me into after three years!... please don't let that light go out..."

He then said the words he now wished he said to his brother before he left that morning:. "...I love you... little brother... and no mater what you look like, I always will."

~* _**Meanwhile**_ *~

Astre was finishing setting his things down and sighed, he was exhausted just by hanging some clothes in his dresser and fixing his bedsheets. There were no mirrors in his room, so he had no idea what he looked like, but he assumed like a mess of sweat, tears, and bones. Not that he minded the last part.

Astre glanced over to his roommate- money talks and he ended up being allowed a roommate, and for that roommate to be Alois Trancy. He couldn't stand the thought of Alois being alone in a place like this, since he was quiet aware being alone drove Alois insane, and that was the last thing Astre would allow to happen to the young boy. After everything that had happened- Astre was determined to ensure the blondes recovery no matter the cost. Alois had his bed facing the window, and tubes stuck in his arms, continuing to give him necessary nutrients and vitamins. The sight made Astre queasy in the worst way, and he was about to turn away when he heard the other boy say something he was not expecting. He wasn't even expecting to hear words from such a corpse-like figure. "... Your brother... Ciel... told me that your t-... true name means 'star' in another language... the stars are very beautiful tonight, aren't they, Astre?" It was the first time he ever used his real name, and not some silly nickname.

"..." Astre paused at his words, and then walked over to the others bed, sat in a chair, and gazed out the window along with the other. "... I suppose they do. They shine like you did." He turned his gaze to the other, and gripped his fragile little hand in his own. "... You have to promise me you will get better, alright? Please... please promise me you'll get healthy again like you were before I said those things to you... I was stupid!..." He exclaimed, and Alois' eyes were wide for a moment, before they narrowed.

"Why does everything anyone say to me always revolve around eating, and 'recovery' and 'getting better' I don't want help!!! I want love! I... I want to look lovable...." He sighed, and gazed away, his voice once filled with fire and hate, ended quiet and raspy.

Astre sighed, and looked into his once bright turquoise eyes. "... Because you can't stand or walk... because you are all skin and bones. Because I love you, and my servants love you, and Hannah loves you... because you are cared about, Alois Trancy... and we only want what is best for you. Now please... please try to recover from what I have told you, okay?!"

"..." Alois paused at his words, and then turned back to him. "... Will you stop taking your own advice then, star?" He said with his same goofy little smirk.

Astre sighed, the voice in his head told him to just lie and say yes. The anorexia life was not one for Alois Trancy, he was too naïve, too foolish, and didn't know how to diet properly, he took Astre's advice way too far. At least that is what the voice said. "... Yes, I will." He said, though it was a lie.

Alois could easily tell it was a lie, so he just gazed out the window again. Silent for a long moment, before snatching Astre's hand, and leaning against his arm. "... I want my star to shine forever, Astre... I love my star..."

He used his real name again, so the one-eyed boy knew he meant it. And he was not talking about just any old star. "... I want mine to shine forever too, Alois Trancy... I just don't know how to get through to my dumb little star..." He said, and pet Alois on the head. Alois only giggled at this, and then hugged the other boy they stayed like this the whole night.

~*~

"... I miss home..."

"... I miss home too..."

"... I want to go home..."

"... I want to go home too..."

"... When will we go home?..."

"... When will you get better?..."

"... I said WE, dummy... When will we get better?..."

"..."


	6. I don’t need help

It was about two months later, and they had been released. The seasons were changing to autumn, and the servants had long-since come back from the Bahamas. Currently, the Trancy servants were to be staying at the Phantomhive Manor for a little while, since they were needing help caring for Alois' medical needs, and not only them- the Phantomhive servants needed help keeping an eye on Astre and his sneaky attempts at skipping meals. He refused to eat most of the time after leaving the hospital, and no matter Sebastian's many threats and telling him he was weak and pathetic for letting a few insults bring him down- Astre wouldn't budge. He was not weak, he was stubborn, and very ill, that much was certain in everyone's minds.

It was about a week after Astre and Alois came back, and Astre was already going back on his word. He had thrown up every night- but the servants caught onto the events of their pain and sorrow being spilled into the toilet bowl, and even as they tried to stop the little blue-haired child, telling him he was thin and sick... he just couldn't see it. And truly thought he still had weight to lose. So he stayed on his limit of 200 per day, and threw up when he thought he ate too much.

Despite Astre trying repeatedly to get Alois to eat at least a little per day like he did- since Astre was still smart enough to acknowledge he needed a steady intake of food and water -Alois wouldn't listen. He just began crying whenever it was brought up and people often drifted away from the subject, they often began talking about something else whenever it was seen that the normally confident and happy child bawling and breaking into tears and curling up into a fatal position of sadness and heartache. NO ONE wished to see Alois in such a dire state.

Not even Ciel.

Ciel overheard the butlers talking about how Alois may not make it out of this and how they should call the Undertaker to plan a coffin and funeral for the little blonde... NO! No no no no no no no! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!! Ciel was not going to allow that to happen to such a child. And afterall, it was truly Astre's fault he was even like this in the first place- NO!- Ciel was not about to blame his brother's disorder that HE CAUSED for Alois' starvation. It did not even MATTER whose fault it was. Both Alois and his brother were innocent in this and Ciel was going to help them both, as were the demons and the servants and everyone in that blasted manor... even if it meant doing what he hated most in the whole world... admitting he was in the wrong.

Ciel walked into Alois' room, knowing by now the blonde was probably sobbing under a cover of blankets. And he was correct-ish... Alois was under covers ofblankets, but he wasn't sobbing.

At first, Ciel assumed the blonde-headed child was asleep, and was about to leave him to get the rest he very well deserved, but then he saw Alois' head move ever so slightly out from under the covers, and noticed his eyes were open. The looked so dark and lifeless, but were starring out the window directly across from his bed. He was awake... but dead at the same time. Alive and dead. Breaking inside, yet functioning as good as ever outside.

Or, at least as well as 64 pound, 5'2, 14-year-old little boy could.

Ciel stepped towards Alois, and shock him slightly. "Alois?.. Hey, are you awake, little one?" He always seemed to either call Alois 'little one' or 'sunshine' whenever he meant to cheer him up. It usually worked- but this wasn't anything usual.

Alois looked at him with the same dead stare he had given the window. "Ciel?" He asked. As if his name were a question. "... Why are you here?" He asked the blue-headed twin.

Ciel gave a sigh, his two blue eyes looking away from the blood he spotted on the blonde's bedsheets. It was no secret the Trancy Earl self-harmed... nor was it a secret why... but that was a story for another day. "I..." He paused, as if thinking on what to say to the depressed little one, who was anorexic and starving himself to death, "I wanted to apologies."

Alois turned slightly off the bed, and fell on his back. Finding himself staring at the ceiling from his bed, light purple sheets covering his lack-of stomach and rest of his frame as he tugged them above his chest, playing with them between his skinny, minuscule fingers. He hated hearing about this... he just wanted everyone to STOP. He knew where this was going and he couldn't stand it anymore. What he chose to do with his life, even if it was to torment it or strip it away from himself, were his concerns. "... Why? If anyone it is you should apologies to, it should be Astre... he's your little brother, yet, I could hear you call him fat, and overweight. A deplorable fatass, and a shame to your family's name- and all the horrendous slanders as if he was just a peasant or a competitor you needed to crush-"

"OKAY OKAY!" Ciel finally snapped, and watched as the little child flinched back. "I GET IT- I GET IT!... I'm a shitty brother, I know. But this is not about me. This is about YOUR health."

Alois groaned. "It is always about my health with you people. But honestly... I am unconcerned with my health... I know I can go like this for longer."

Ciel sighed. "You say that, yet you went to the hospital, and a mental institution for months." He gave a slight shake of his head. "When will you finally be satisfied with yourself?"

Alois narrowed his eyes, becoming defensive. "You do not understand, Phantomhive." He only called either of the twins 'Phantomhive' when he was mad. "I will be happy with myself when... when people love me as much..." He trailed of a bit, and the rest of his sentence was muddled.

Ciel lost his patience, having done enough research to know Alois would never be satisfied with himself not matter what he looked like. "It will NEVER be enough with you! Never ever! You will always be wanting more, to cut back more, to skip meals more, until you end up six feet under in a grave with everyone you've ever loved in tears and crying out blaming themselves when all of this IS YOUR BLOODY FAULT, TRANCY! IT IS YOUR BLOODY FAULT YOU'RE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH!! IT IS YOUR BLOODY FAULT YOU WILL DIE THINKING YOU ARE STILL FAT WHEN I CAN FUCKING SEE ALL OF YOUR DAMN BONES!!"

Ciel had finally lost his cool, and was now trying to catch his breath and stop the tears from falling, while Alois was frozen in shock of his words. Trying to register what Ciel had said- before he finally broke into tears again, and quietly, but loudly in Ciel's unhinged mind: "... Astre was right about you... you really are the cruelest brother a boy could have..." A hiccup, then a teardrop, and then a race out the door. Followed by a slam of the nearest bathroom door and a trail silent of sobs to follow.

Ciel sighed, he hadn't meant to lose it or hurt Alois even further. The Trancy and him were already far from close confidants, but he still wouldn't wish to see him cry. Especially not by his own hands. He cleaned himself up, stood up straight, and went to the bathroom door. "Alois! Come out of there! Listen, I- I didn't mean what I said I just-..."

"What are you doing, brother?"

Ciel turned around, and saw his scarily thin brother approach him. Astre was his height but weighed about 50 pounds less than him. Not nearly as sickly as Alois, but not healthy either. He had issues and it was clear both needed help and therapy to save themselves from what they were doing to themselves. But how would they get it?...

Ciel froze seeing his twin brother so sick, and then as all these thoughts went through his head, his brother looked confused. "Brother? Brother I asked you a question, would you please answer me?-" Astre was cut off as he heard crying from the bathroom. "Trancy?! Brother, what did you do to him- ugh, you know he gets unstable when you bring up his past. It's fine when you play those games with me but he CRIES! I thought Sebastian and Claude talked to you about that!" Astre went off on a tangent Ciel wasn't even half listening to. Much like when Sebastian and Claude lectured him about teasing Alois on his past.

"B- brother... I..."

He didn't finish once Astre had finished picking the lock and began speaking towards Alois. "Alright, Alois, I'm coming in. Please... we all love you, and we are worried about you..." Astre said, before slowly opening the door, and opening his arms put wide. He said words Ciel didn't manage to catch, but Ciel witnessed Alois flying into his arms and tightly hugging him.

He was starting to finally realize how much he was hurting those he cared so much for, and that it was ineffective in his goals and getting people to like him... because they actually always liked him.

Astre held onto Alois tightly. "... Come on, Alois, please calm down... please... I know it hurts, it hurts me too... but it is what we have to do to-" He was cut off by his brother... surprisingly.

"No you don't." He said, walking over, and sitting beside his brother- who currently had Alois clinging to him and sobbing on his shoulder. "You are both fine. Yes, maybe at one time brother was a little chubby, and Alois, you were a bit lonely. But those aren't excuses to harm yourselves, or to worry me and everyone who cares about you." Before Astre could get the words out of his mouth, his brother said them. "I know what I said and I regret it more with each passing day. I was an ASSHOLE. And a big, fat, asshole. And I should have never put you through that. And I should have never allowed Alois to be put through that same pain without saying a thing. I am so sorry... and right now... all I want is for both of you to have family dinner with me and the everyone else. Can you please do that for me?" He said with pleasing eyes, about to tear up as he starred at the boney faces of his little brother and childlike friend.

"... I think... maybe..." Astre said, looking down when he answered.

"Yes." Alois said with certainty. He grabbed Ciel's hand, then grabbed Astre's, and put them both together. Forcing both twins to look each other in the eye. "I want to be happy again. And I want you two to be happy again as well." The twins froze at the blondes words. And then smiled.

They all laughed, "With you around, it is a miracle I don't wake up with feathers in my brains! You are constantly hitting me with that dumb pillow of yours exclaiming for me to get up!" Exclaimed Astre.

"You never want to wake up in the morning! At this point, I should use a jackhammer!" Ciel countered. And all the boys laughed... just like they always did on the most serious situations, and just as they always would for years to come.

It wasn't easy, but no one said it would be easy. It was a rocky road but the path to self-acceptance and family always is. No one said it would be easy, but damn- did having idiotic servants, crazy neighbors, demonic butlers with a vendetta against each other, foolish demon hound, and an asshole corpse of a brother make it....

So much easier, and well worth it to spend many years surrounded by such an amazingly chaotic family.


End file.
